Thursday, September 15, 2005

50 Things That Out of Town College Students Must Know About Boston

Sorry that this lengthy post is a bit Boston-centric for those of you not from Boston, but I got this in an email today and laughed my arse off because it is so true. Here goes:

  1. In reality, very few people from South Boston are math geniuses. However, to be safe, assume that everyone from Southie is smarter than you.
  2. If you want to wear skin-tight black t-shirts out at night, you are required by Massachusetts State Law to contain at least three vowels in your last name.
  3. Crosswalks and traffic lights are merely suggestions.
  4. Harmlessly bumping into another guy in a crowded bar is tantamount in other regions of the country to sucker-punching someone's grandmother.
  5. Steak tips are a local delicacy.
  6. The speed of walking in Boston is equivalent to the speed of jogging in other areas of the country. Keep up the pace or you will be chop blocked.
  7. From the months of April until October, 85% of Boston's population subsists almost entirely on iced coffees from Dunkin' Donuts.
  8. If you are a girl between 18 and 21, Bronson Arroyo will be contacting you shortly.
  9. You are not going to win an argument with any of the scalpers outside of Fenway. Just pay what they ask and be on your way.
  10. There is no rational explanation for why there is always a line outside of Ned Devine's.
  11. Catholic Memorial will win the Super 8.
  12. The mayor can say whatever he wants but do not dare park in a space that someone has shoveled out and marked with a cone, chair, pool table or llama. You can write all the whiny letters to the Globe that you want but you are still going to end up with a busted windshield.
  13. The guy pushing his son in the wheelchair in the Marathon is Dick Hoyt. He's 65 and could still kick your ass. Make a comment and someone next to you will save him the time.
  14. Don't be gullible enough to think that everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day.
  15. There are no exclusive bars or clubs in Boston. You may think you're hot shit because you're sitting in Saint but the chick next to you is a single mom from Revere and the guy on the other side of you is a house painter from Dorchester. Get over yourself.
  16. If you hear one of these arguments happening in a bar, don't go near it. Literally, walk the other way:
  17. Red Sox-Yankees
  18. Charlestown-Southie
  19. Boston-New York
  20. Boston-the world
  21. Friendlys-Brighams
  22. Barstool Sports-Sports Illustrated
  23. No one cares about where you are from.
  24. Yes, the Green Line's B line is one of Dante's Level of Hell. However, stop complaining because you should have rode on it a few years ago when it stopped approximately every 8 feet.
  25. You are allowed to go to a Red Sox game without buying brand new Red Sox gear. You will be shocked to know that the majority of people going to Sox games are not outfitted in BoSox gear from head to toe. I only mention this because if you are sitting in front of me in a replica Curt Schilling jersey, Red Sox hat and you're quoting John Updike and then turn to someone and ask whose number 1 was retired, I am going to get you banned for yelling racial slurs at David Ortiz.
  26. If you linger at all when crossing the street, you have forfeited your right of way.
  27. Actually, even if you don't linger, you really don't the right of way when crossing the street.
  28. If you don't want to hear World Champion Red Sox or Patriots fans complain, don't go to a sports bar. Because we will complain even though Boston is the undisputed sports capital of this country.
  29. Every soft drink is a Coke.
  30. Evacuation Day and Patriots Day are holidays that only Boston is cool enough to have. Remember to say a little pray that you are fortunate enough to live somewhere that celebrates holidays by drinking Guinness and drinking Guinness while watching a Kenyan run.
  31. If you aren't going 50+ mph on Storrow Drive, get over into the right lane and let some guys with testes get to where they are going.
  32. Unless you are Lance Armstrong, don't try and outpeddle my car. I'm not necessarily going to run you down, put please recognize the fact that my SUV could crush you and your Schwinn.
  33. Being a Ms. Barstool is roughly the academic equivalent of being a Rhodes Scholar.
  34. The top four athletes in Boston history, in no particular order, are Bill Russell, Ted Williams, Bobby Orr and Larry Bird. Tom Brady is sitting just outside the top 4.
  35. There are a few phrases that are guaranteed to get you punched in the face at any Boston bar:
  36. "26 World Championships"
  37. "Dude, I don't care if you are from Southie, what are you gonna do- fraction me to death?"
  38. "Charlestown- isn't that where all the Yuppies live?"
  39. "Peyton Manning is a better quarterback than Tom Brady."
  40. "Fidelity Investments is loaded with douchebags."
  41. "Hey, say park my car in Harvard Yard."
  42. Just to let you know that sometimes even people from Boston get a little nervous, I had a Whitey Bulger line in there originally but took it out. Never know who you are going to run into on Broadway.
  43. No one calls it Cape Cod. It's the Cape. Does it really need more clarification? If you are going to the Cape, where do you thinking you are headed? Cape Canaveral? The Cape of Good Hope?
  44. Everyone in Boston between the ages of 25-40 has a New Kids on the Block story.
  45. Take lefts on red onto one-way streets. I don't know for a fact that it is legal but it makes perfect sense to me.
  46. Recognize the fact that just because you may outnumber a guy when the fight starts, chances are you won't when you get outside. You would be amazed at how quickly someone will get involved in a fight against you just because he and the guy you're fighting both played sports in the GBL.
  47. Spring starts in Boston when the girls hit BU's beach.
  48. The best days of the year are when the Sox have a playoff game and the Pats are playing the same day.
  49. There is an honor and dignity inherent in trying to get a parking space. Obey the rules. Even if they are unwritten.
  50. Best way to assimilate- buy me a drink.


brigita said...

#29--I thought that was the South?

#45--I have been wondering about the legality of that for years. Good enough for me!

eileen said...

#29 is obviously flawed. a coke is a coke and a sprite is not a coke. nobody here reads barstool sports, either. i think this list may have been composed by one of their writers. #40 cracked me up because sooo many people work at fidelity. #15 also rocks because faux-pretentiousness at places like saint drives me nuts. face it, this ain't LA or NYC. no bars are THAT cool.

D said...

Yeah, no kidding! There are no exclusive places in Boston...why bother because last call is at 1230! Boston is really the most useless place I've ever seen, except for its schools. During my college years there, I have never been so bored and unimpressed in my life!

eileen said...

I beg to differ, Dana. Boston is wicked awesome, even if it lacks exclusive clubs.

Anonymous said...

Heheheheh. 7, 12 and 24... so, so true. And Dick Hoyt rocks!

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Anonymous said...

so i just moved to boston... already got in a fight with one of you retards. there may be more than one accent but they all sound stupid. i understand the red sox-yankees thing so i won't go there, but let's get real. tom brady rides the bench behind peyton manning at the pro bowl every year. you know, like how he rode the bench behind drew bledsoe. i did like this list, i hope i can remember most of it while living here, but so far Boston people can suck a fat dick. run me over and i'll sue you for your trailer. get in my face about my colts jersey and you will never walk again. consider yourself a hotshot... well that just makes you a moron because you're from boston and no one cares about anything thats happened in boston in 200 years. thanks, i feel better. :)