Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I'm too grossed out to come up with a clever post title

a.k.a Get These Motherfucking Mice Out Of My Motherfucking House!


This being my winter of discontent, it seems only natural that this should also be the winter during which vermin elect to invade my apartment. Gray house mice. When I was a kid, I had a pet mouse named Mindy who eventually developed a tumor and died. I cried for days. However, I am no longer a child and these are not pets, and I long for their death or at least their permanent disappearance. The first unwanted visitors made their presence known during that big snow storm we had back in December. I was sitting in my usual position (on the couch, glass of wine in hand, watching a DVD) and a mouse sauntered across the living room floor. These little fuckers are brazen- at least have the decency to hide when people are home! We did a thorough cleaning and put out all sorts of traps- glue traps, snap traps, etc. The snap traps worked best- we caught three. Yes I know that means that there are probably 300 lurking behind the walls but I'm trying not to think about that. I hadn't seen any mice or evidence or murine activity for a few weeks, so I was hoping that perhaps they had moved elsewhere. Until last night, when I walked in and saw one on the kitchen table. Disgusting!!! It escaped through a hole in floor that leads directly to outside. This means war. Ern and I put on our hazmat outfits (used only once before, in a somewhat related incident) and recruited Pat. We drank some wine (for strength and courage, obvs) and destroyed a mouse hideout that I had recently discovered (some old boxes above a cabinet). My new plan of attack is as follows:
1. poison.
2. patch holes in floor.
3. Pester the landlord into taking care of the problem (Ern will be in charge of this- she's a lawyer and quite skilled at forceful pestering).
4. Borrow a coworkers cat for a few days.
5. Last resort- obtain a crate of boa constructors.

You won't get the best of me, mice! I fucking hate those nasty little fucks.

P.S. Sorry for all the swearing, although it was cathartic.
P.P.S. I hope you all don't think I'm a dirty person. I'm not. Honest.

18 comments:

mj said...

Too bad Sasha is unavailable. He was the best "mouse killa" around.

Caity said...

I had that issue when I lived in Southie, too. You ladies are better than we were, though. We called the landlord, guys we were dating, our dads, the next-door-neighbor, really any man we could find to help us with the problem before actually dealing with it ourselves!

Nitsirk said...

We had a similar problem. They were hanging out in the drawer under the oven because the pilot light made it all warm. Ick. Steel wool in the holes, D-con everywhere and all food in rubbermaid containers. I once pulled out a bar of baking chocolate to discover it was all gnawed up. Gross. Good luck.

HH said...

we had the same problem in west roxbury when we first moved there. totally sucked - plug all the holes with steel wool. use clorox and water to clean the area (besides killing the germs it gets rid of the thir smell that attracts other mice) and what did the trick for us was that we had an exterminator drop a few boxes around the house of poison (it was somehow safe with a dog in the house). i'm embarassed to admit it - but when we gutted the kitchen a year later they found a dead mouse behind the dishwasher - so gross.

good luck - we know you're not dirty - it's part of living in a cit on the water. at least it's not like the rats you see on the commons late at night (they could eat a small dog!)

eileen said...

Steel wool! I knew there was something recommended to plug the holes but couldn't remember what.

And I must admit I am relieved to know that I'm not the only one. Stupid mice!

nad said...

When I was in BH, the mice and I knew each other far too well. I ended up using steel wool (as has been suggested) and shot expanding foam into all the crevices I could find.

JB has a far worse story to tell; she has a rat walk out from underneath my radiator, and it wouldn't back down, even as she was throwing shoes at it. She never lets me forget that day, since I wasn't there.

lisa kate said...

I remember at ND an angry ex-girlfriend released a ton of mice and crickets at Lafayette apartments where her cheating BF lived. The vermin made it to our apt. We wore similar outfits, chugged forties, and while my roomies stood on the couch and screamed, I beated a few down with a broom while "We're Not Gonna Take It" blasted. I recommend playing the song. It was quite effective.
Oh and I am for hire.

S said...

Oh, man. Good luck, I know nothing about getting rid of mice (roaches and raccoons are another story) but I'll remember the steel wool thing just in case.

Amanda said...

I enjoy your hazmat outfits - a ninja, an outlaw, and Pat on his way to a delightful tea.

Adam said...

Arlington High School also has this problem, but that probably doesn't make you feel better about it! The science dept. head stepped in a glue trap in the principal's office during a meeting last week.

Let me know if you want to borrow Dash again. She is awesome at catching mice.

Sarah said...

O MY GOD i freaking hate mice. In my old apartment our landlord would put out these glue traps which work...but the mouse is like ALIVE and stuck on the trap and making noises. My roommate Gabe used to drown them in a bucket before taking them out to the garbage which he felt was more humane then just letting them starve to death, in a pile of garbage. But still EW EW EW.

Michael said...

When we had this problem, we used a RatZapper. It was the only thing that worked, and it worked perfectly. It's a little battery-powered plastic box open at one end, with an electrified plate inside. Only kills one mouse at a time, but took care of our problem in mere days.

Adam said...

That other message was actually from Kerry.

Have you tried one of those supersonic noisemaker dealios yet?

It really worked for us at our old house.

bigglesworth said...

i just remembered this article after reading your post -- sent it to jay (of the jay & carilu dynamo) a few months ago -- http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/at_this_point_in_the_plan_the

Sarah said...

I really hope Ern's shirt says Les Misérables. So fitting.

eileen said...

We have one of the electronic zappers but so far it hasn't caught anything. The supersonic noisemaker sounds like a good idea. The landlord patched the biggest holes and I put poison everywhere.

Oh, and I enjoyed everyone's mouse anecdotes, although the rat incident gives me shivers! eeeewwww.

tjf said...

when i lived by the beach in california, we had mice in our apartment. we put down snap traps after work one day, and 20 minutes later the first trap snapped and killed a mouse in the corner. that's when we knew we had a problem. or i had a problem, since i lived with two girls.

our glue traps would work, and i thought drowning was too slow, so i would put them in a plastic back and smash them with a hammer. i still maintain death was instantaneous- i smashed the shit out of those bags.

Michael said...

With the electronic zapper, try a bit of peanut butter or pet food kibble as the food bait. Then you want to line up the tunnel next to a wall, parallel to the wall, in the path where the mice tend to go. Bait and placement are key.