Monday, November 20, 2006

The horror, the horror

Sunday morning, I decided to give my apartment a thorough and much-needed cleaning. My roommate Ern suggested that we dump out the keg bucket, which had been sitting outside on the porch since our Halloween party. It had filled up with rain water and turned a murky, grey color. Because it was so heavy, we each grabbed a handle and began to lift it. At the first jostle, the dirty water sloshed a bit, and suddenly, floating up from the darkness of the water, rose a dead squirrel.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I was completely unprepared for this bloated, furry surprise, and promptly screamed like a B movie actress in her first horror film. The squirrel was big, dead, bloated, and disgusting, and, maybe I've had an uneventful life thus far, but I felt true terror for the first time. Once Ern caught a glimpse of what I was screaming about, we dropped the bucket, ran back inside, and locked the door. After our heart rates returned to normal, we came up with a plan for disposing the body. We waited until nighttime, and under cover of darkness, we put on our Haz Mat outfits (pictured) and got rid of the squirrel. Undetected, we crept through the night carrying the bucket topped with a trash bag (to prevent splashing) until we found a suitable resting place for the ill-fated arboreal rodent. Hey, I'm sure it wasn't the first time someone got rid of a body in Southie.

17 comments:

a20261 said...

Is that a beer-can helmet?

eileen said...

Yes. It's part of my Haz Mat outfit.

ern said...

a beer can drinking helmet is an essential part of any haz mat safety outfit. as is a pitchfork. duh.

Mister Jinxy said...

You look like a drunk construction worker and a ninja.

Stacey said...

Haha, just make sure the body doesn't turn up unexpectedly (like in The Departed). ;)

Teresa said...

Dude,

That is the funniest post I have ever seen...rock on Haz Mat team.

Kristine said...

Oh god. Still laughing....

Rob said...

Memories of lifting the cover off the pool after a lonnnnnng winter ... you'd see 6-7 of those little guys floating around.

Why they went in there to begin with, I'll never know. I'd like to think they kept their heads above water for at least a LITTLE while ... in the cold, dark pool ... just kicking and struggling for air, maybe for a few hours or even a day or so.

Wait - isn't that the plot of "The Ring"? OMG GHOST SQUIRRELS!

eileen said...

Who knew that stagnant pools of water were squirrel death traps? Not I. Ugh! Remind me to never get a pool, or at least make the pool boy lift the cover off in springtime. The hot, shirtless pool boy.....pool man...pool Daniel Craig....um, what were you saying about squirrels?

mj said...

Poor little squirrel.
Love the outfits.

jessica said...

Safety First Ern! reminds me of the time i had a half dead mouse floating in a half full glass of water in my sink. I recall screaming, calling my mother on what to do like a child, and stating the need for a biohazard suit to deal with the situation. I guess if i had a ninja mask and pitchfork that would have done the trick too.

Mrs. V said...

What, no picture of the squirrel? Darn!

Mrs. V said...

I liked the part where Ern locked the door, like that was going to do a lot of good! It sounded like she ran inside and locked you outside..???

Tricia said...

I'm so glad you recovered your camera: great photo. And squirrel posts are guaranteed funny.

eileen said...

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, you should all be thankful that I didn't take a picture of the squirrel. Ew!

Mike said...

I just knew the beer at Halloween was a little stronger than usual...

Sarah said...

I know I'm way late to comment on this post, but I'd like to point out that my parents have found not one - but TWO squirrels dead floating in toilets in my house. And not at the same time. And not in the same toilet.