Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Second Grossest Thing That Ever Happened to Me

This afternoon, I heard a radio commercial for Water Country, the waterslide theme park located outside of Portsmouth, NH. It reminded me of a fateful trip I took to that same water park, back around 1993 or so. It was a hot, August day, and I was eagerly awaiting the annual trip to the water park. This year, I was determined to go down the Geronimo, the highest and steepest slide in the park. I have a mild fear of heights, which was much stronger when I was younger (for example, at my pre-school, there was a staircase like this that scared the bejeezus out of me, and I was so terrified of slipping and falling through the slats that the teacher would have to carry me to get me to go up or down it.) All day long, I frolicked in the wave pool and on the smaller slides until the time came to brave the Geronimo. I summoned my courage, and made my way through the line, slowly climbing up a three-story metal staircase not unlike the one that traumatized me as a toddler. Once at the top, I sat on the slide, folded my arms, crossed my legs at the ankles, leaned back, and down I went. Geronimo! It was thrilling. At the bottom of the slide, I stood up and picked my enormous wedgie. As the elation of the drop itself and the pride of my accomplishment wore off, I suddenly became aware of an uncomfortable sensation deep in my bowels, like I had to go number two. I hurried off to a restroom, sat down on the toilet, and pooed out about two liters of chlorinated pool water. Yes, I had conquered the almighty Geronimo, but I had also gotten a chlorine enema in the process.

And that’s the second grossest thing that ever happened to me.

(Reason #162 why I don’t have a boyfriend: I write about chlorine enemas on the internet.)

As for the first grossest thing that ever happened to me, I’ll never tell. Let’s just say it involved a latrine in Nicaragua, and leave it at that. And if you ever go down a really steep waterslide, in addition to crossing your legs, squeeze your buttcheeks together. Trust me.

4 comments:

jay said...

Thank you Eileen. Thank you for making me giggle uncontrolably at work, which made all the people in the cubes around me give me funny looks. I'm sorry about your chlorine enema, so let me give you some advice, clentch!

Frances said...

That. Would. Suck.
Sorry for the experience and that forevermore you will think of it every time you hear a commercial for Water Country.

eileen said...

That story was almost too gross for me to publicize. Almost.

LisaKate said...

EILEEN!! I giggled at your expense as well! Tough times, my friend.