Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Opposite of Me

Every once in a while, I encounter someone who makes me think to myself “Wow, this person just like me, only the exact opposite.” For example, last time I was on a flight, I had the window seat and a couple around my age, maybe a few years older, had the seats next to mine. The girl was relatively pretty, wore designer jeans, and had a giant diamond ring. She was what I would describe as businessy. There are two bus routes I can take to work. The Number 9 goes directly to Copley and is jam packed with businessy types. All of the girls have the same highlighted, straightened hair and nice shoes, and probably are consultants. The men each carry a dark-colored messenger bag. The Number 10 also ends at Copley, via a methadone clinic and Boston Medical Center. The sparse riders mainly consist of nurses, junkies, and bums. I do not look out of place with my jeans, sneakers, or backpack, because Number 10 riders, as a rule, are not buisnessy. Okay, back to Airplane Girl. Her husband is not very good looking and seems like a dork. I immediately decide that she settled. Soon after takeoff, she opens up her laptop and begins drafting emails. I read them. (Oh, come on, like you wouldn’t?) “I’m going to be in Nashville next month and I am just DYING to introduce my husband to some authentic barbeque” she writes. Boom. Right there. Airplane Girl is the Anti-Me. Maybe someday I will own a $200 pair of jeans, maybe some day I will actually get married (although not to some dweeb I settled for, and I won’t have a huge diamond ring) but I would never, never use a sentence like “I am just DYING to introduce my husband to some authentic barbeque.” I bet Airplane Girl buys overpriced home decor at Anthropologie.

Example Number Two: Today, the quarterly issue of Notre Dame Magazine arrived. In the back, there is a little blurb for each graduating class, in which recent accomplishments of alumni are noted. Stuff like Sarah (O’Leary) and James Tuckerman (’98) are proud to announce the birth of their second child, Connor Hampton. Greg Everclear is a litigation lawyer in Omaha and serves on the board of the local alumni club. Although these people attended the same university as I did, even graduating in the same year, our lives have nothing in common. They don’t publish items like Eileen is still in graduate school. Eileen ate nothing but hot dogs for five days because she spent all of her money on a St. Patrick’s Day party. Eileen recently gave herself a black eye when she fell taking off her shoes.

7 comments:

bigglesworth said...

yeah, well the SHOULD write shit like that -- that's what people would love to read! i just read those last two lines to india and we were DYING (to introduce each other to kalua pork...)

no, actually, i meant to tell you yesterday -- this girl came in for an interview (b/c I am the boss now -- tell your roomie) no, we have a 20-hr / week photojournalist position and when she walked in she totally could have been your sister (but looked more like you than your sisters!)

i really wanted to ask her if i could take a picture of her to send to you but couldn't figure out how to pass it off as a legit reason.

alright, next time i'll just email you :)

eileen said...

Wise decision- most people would probably find it creepy if the person intervewing them for a job asked them to pose for a photo. Especially a topless one.

In other news, I am DYING to introduce my imaginary husband to some authentic macadamia nuts.

Dies this post make me sound like a giantic b&*^#@ who snidely mocks strangers? Perhaps.

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious! This post made my day! -Nikki

Liz said...

Seriously.... doubling over laughing at my desk. Thanks for this one.

ern said...

you are not the boss, bigglesworth.

shamed roommate said...

and another thing for the nd alumni "classes" section (for classy people only) -- eileen still lives with her college roommate, who ate toasted hamburger buns (buttered, with cinnamon sugar) for 5 days after she, too, spent all her student loan money on the same aforementioned st. patrick's day party.

Frances said...

BWAHAHAHAHAH! This post made me laugh so hard it brought tears to my eyes! Thanks!